GET IT DONE...WITH CONFIDENCE !!!

                           

      "You are my love story,

                                      and I write you into everything I do,

                                  everything I see,

     and everything I dream.                          

     

          You are the words that fill my pages

                                                                           

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Michael and I have been together (well, not actually physically since he was away from me much of the time) 806 months.  We had a normal start and we had very little but we didn't care, we were in love, big time!  Our tiny house in the middle of a cow pasture was heaven on earth...cows, sulphur water, grass burrs and all.  

But that's not what this is about. 

Eleanor Roosevelt was a very classy lady that I admired very much.  She wasn't like Franklin.  While he was bold she was shy.  She bloomed like a rose later on and made a place for herself .  She wrote:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience 

in which you really stop to look fear in the face,

Once you are able to say to yourself

'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'

You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

I've never seen Michael physically afraid of anything.  Never seemed to lose confidence.  On the other hand I have never been long on courage or confidence; quite the contrary, I've always been afraid.  Growing up I was quite terrified of going anywhere alone.  I cringed enrolling in a new school every year and I didn't outgrow it.  We were a family of mother and daddy and five children.  

Last year I learned that my sister felt the same.  I've also learned it affected at least one of our sons.  I should have stumbled onto that much earlier...here all these years I thought I was the Lone Ranger.  

I also thought when Michael took me as his wife we would always live in one place forever.  You know the little cottage w/the white picket fence and bright colored flowers everywhere.  Okay so I ended up in a cow pasture instead.  Hey, when you're in love you sort of float around blowing kisses to the cows!  

What happened to the dinner by candlelight anyway!  Michael left for the grocery store before daylight and home after dark, way after dark.  Then he was at the Armory playing weekend warrior and that took time away.  He did make it in time for the babes to come into the world.  The cows came to visit and get acquainted.  Nice cows!  Moo...moo! 

Suddenly we left the same cottage in the cow pasture for some Army training and scaredy cat me found myself moving - how could this be happening.  I wanted security but oops!  There's such a thing as 'money' involved and one must make a living.  Who knew?  Love blinded and dulled all my senses... I was still lacking courage.

I've always pretended to be courageous but that was simply me miming an actress.  Before I married when on a date the guy would ask 'Are you nervous?  You're shaking like a leaf.'  I was just wiggling.  Surprised they didn't dub me 'nervous Nellie'.  

Something began changing though.  When Michael went on active duty I had four little sons to convince everything would be fine when we moved to Greece so I made it exciting.  We had never had money or time to travel except back and forth to town and visiting my parents when he went to camp each summer.   Who took vacations...what was that mom?  

The boys grew up, went to college, moved out...moved back in...got jobs.

Michael went overseas, I didn't always...did I miss him?  Did Michael miss me?  Yes to both questions.  So I began to find little spurts of courage and flew to Ethiopia  by myself.  With a layover for a night in Greece.  Yeah, I spent the night in a little Greek hotel which was quite interesting.  I took a shower and decided to take a little rest when what?  I heard a key in my door lock and oops!  A strange man entered and almost passed out when he saw me on the bed.  Seems the manager was confused, I'd say!  Red-faced he choked out an apology and backed out locking the door as he went.  Gracious...guess what?  I did not panic...stayed cool, calm & collected!!!

No rest so I dressed and went for dinner in the dining room...only persons dining were me and two Ethiopian Air Force men about my age.  I was 40 at the time.  I tried not looking at them....no, no...no eye contact please.  Yikes...they came over to my table and asked if I would accompany them to the Plaka which is where the night life is in Athens.  Since we had lived there some ten years before so I was familiar with it and under no circumstances was I going there w/two strange men.  Ooh!  

When the plane landed in Asmara with those two who were also going to Asmara...oh my, talk about trying to find a hiding place when they saw Michael (in uniform) meeting me.  It was a tad funny!  

That took courage for me to do the trip...I was moving up in a courageous matter.  

When my sweetheart was out of pocket I seemed fated for emergency surgeries.  I didn't just need to go to the ER I mean it was serious.  For one, I drove myself to the base and they wouldn't let me leave for a week.  Next time he was overseas and I had two emergency surgeries.  Not safe to leave me alone!  But the boys did help big time.  My four little men who were as scared as I was.  

The big miracle happened when M and I moved ourselves to China.  Suddenly I began telling everyone about how awesome God is and what He had done in our lives!  Can you imagine?  After that I never saw a stranger and trust me I met some strange ones.  

Speed up and that was my big transition from Chicken Little to Wonder Woman.  I became a woman of confidence and courage - for God.  It stuck and isn't going away!  

You know, love changes everything.  Michael had a huge impact on my life and unknowingly instilled that seed of courage, watered it and it grew.  He never realized how afraid I was all those years but God knew.  HE knows everything, right?  

Now?  Now, the biggest test of courage ever in my life has hit with tornado force.  It could leave me in shambles but it hasn't...thus far.  Of course I realize it isn't over yet.  And I mean it's really gonna' get just...downright terrible and it will continue breaking my heart.  I will not be swayed!

I have looked fear in the face - experience horror; now here is M's suffering with Parkinson's - we went through the horror of Amyloidosis already! I've cried to God that I didn't believe I could get through this but I must so I will - God help me I must do this.  I will do this for Michael, my boys and myself.  I am strong, I am confident, I am courageous and with God beside me...it will get done!

"Dear God, it has taken me such a long time to become strong, to have courage, confidence but with such a courageous husband... how could I fail?  The answer is simple, love changed everything.  It grew me into what I've become, a better person just as You would have me be.  Thank You for everything.  In Christ Name, Amen."

From my confident, courageous heart...to yours.
Vasca