If people were meant to pop out of bed,

we'd all be sleeping in toasters.

As if late, I've been popping out of bed at all hours and I don't sleep in a toaster, Garfield.  I admit though...I've been lazing along with sleeping a lot lately.  Okay, so it's emotional stress I know.  Like today, I was up and about at 2:30 AM and wide awake like it was rise and shine time so I stayed up.  That is, 'til after a friend and I had breakfast at 8:00.  I returned to my apartment, got in my bed (fully clothed) and slept 'til 3:30 PM...wow!  Life is changing.  It'll get straightened out one of these days. 

I'd never lived alone until we moved Michael into Memory Care in February 2018.  That's given me almost two years to acclimate myself.  I'm doing well but oh my, the thought of M no longer being around tears me apart...I think I simply can't stand it...it hurts so bad, oh my!.  In time it will not be so painful...I think but what do I know, I've not had this experience before.  I pray God helps me! 

Emotionally, I've run the gamut.  I've trembled at the thought, "Vasca, you're on your own now".  Ah, then I chanced to read this...thought about it and sat a little straighter:

"I can't be afraid; it's my turn to be brave" 

Another little surprise I stumbled across and all of me stood at attention:

F.E.A.R.

Has Two Meanings

Forget Everything And Run

or

Forget Everything And Rise

It's Your Choice

We had a beautiful Memorial for Michael last weekend...it was absolutely out of this world heavenly for a giant of a man who truly is out of this world heavenly.  

During this past couple of weeks, something is in me that's new...exhilarating - exciting.  I know it is Michael; he is influencing me in a wonderful way...one that has transformed my life.  Let's face it, he always had his way with me...he did.  I always wanted to please God.  Now I have an additional one I want to please...my love, Michael.  I've worked at pleasing him for 67 years...I think he was happy and I want to continue.  I'm a Michael Pleaser!  

I wish I could describe what has come over me or perhaps I should, what has come into me.  I feel absolutely like a new person, a new me, a new Vasca.  Former me has been revamped...so it seems. 

Here I am a widow; a new term...one I'd never dreamed of having but here it is.  Guess I thought we'd live forever!  Michael always said he wouldn't know what to do if he lost me...that didn't happen though and I told God many times lately...actually I didn't tell Him, I wailed at Him I couldn't live w/o M...not true of course.  Yes I can, I will.  Truly, I wouldn't want him here because his life was painful and miserable.  He's where he prayed, as did I, to be taken.

Until recently I always prayed to God silently; these days I find it more heartwarming to pray, talk to Him aloud...I am a much better patient, listener.  I feel warmer and so loved.  I'm better for it. 

And here's a lovely part...things are happening in my life: placed in front of me that are quite surprising.  God is placing things and people in my face so I cannot miss what He's doing.  Opportunities? People that absolutely do not know God?  Oh my, yes! 

Life changes? I am amazed at what is going on.  I had wondered what my life would be like...after Michael.  Would I continue my writing?  He instigated it so would I go on?  Would I simply shrivel up and be a hermit?  I must say, I don't think it's after Michael after all.  I get the feeling my favorite verse is in action.  "Vasca, don't be shaken; for I am right beside you."  Michael's gold wedding band has been on my right hand for a few months; I've not taken it off and I won't...it's brightly, shining - shining brightly. 

God has company...Michael means Godliness and fits him like a glove.  He is in God's good company, my path is clear and I know the way to go.  God is leading and I like thinking Michael, my angel, is watching while blowing kisses and applauding!  Yes! .  

As M always said, "Don't be afraid, just believe"...well, here's the skinny/  It's my turn to be brave and I choose to rise.  Good choice, right?  Right!!!  How's that Michael???

From my thankful, peaceful heart...to yours, Vasca