LICKIN' IT...

 

"Life is like an ice-cream cone,

you have to lick it one day at a time."

Charles M. Schulz

I began writing a blog because I love to write; I love to encourage.  But my conscience began digging at me and I thought, "You know Vasca, you write all this positive stuff...happy endings...etc.  And here you're doing the opposite of what you've encouraged others to do.  you're in the pits.  That's downright hypocritical, you know!  You'd best fess up and get the beam out of your own eye, don't you think?  Well, yeah...I think." 

So, this is for you...from my heart.  And then you and I will be on the same page of music. 

My sweet mother often told me, as well as others, that I was born asking questions...I might add that I've never stopped asking questions.  I've always wondered and wondered...about almost everything.  How much information or data can a person's mind hold?  I wonder about that because I have a wonderful memory that just piles up stuff like crazy!  I hope I can hang onto that as long as I live.  I am now also Michael's memory!  How 'bout that?

Something I never wondered about though...
was what my life, what our life together would be as we grew old...
and finally when we actually were there...old...actually old.  
I didn't wonder about that...I really never gave it much thought.
  

M and I watched his parents as they struggled with his dad's Parkinson...finally succumbing to its dastardly character and leaving the anguish behind.  His mother had a very short respite from caregiving but that was cut short by cancer.  My father died when he was just into his 60's...mother lived to be almost 95.  Thankfully neither of my parents had a crippling disease/illness. 

The Golden Years ~ ah, that sounds pretty nifty, right?  Well, yeah...it does but here's something else.  I read something like this, "Life is hard and not always fair". 
It's true, life is hard...and some of those hard things are...well, hard is hard.
The definition of "hard"...requiring a great deal of endurance or effort. 
I say that pretty well nails it...that's my understanding.


I never wondered about being a caregiver...I really love being a dependent.  I have been M's dependent from the day we married, living all over the world...he as the leader, me as his follower the dependent.  I loved it ~ I guess I took it for granted that would be the way our 'golden years' would go...ha! Fast forward into the throe's of the Golden Years...I am no longer the dependent, I am the leader and M is my dependent.  Wow, what a switch. 
But here's just a bit of what I can do about it.  Practice, practice, practice...practice what? 


Top of the list has to be PATIENCE.
I tell me...this adorable, gentle, sweet loving man deserves the best I can put out...my best.
So I pray about it...go over and over it in my head full of memories and wonders and do it.
Whatever it is...I do it.  Now...you see...sadly I have crash landed more than many times but I read this that a wise one, Confucius, said,

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."  I'm not about to stop

I would say GENTLENESS is way up there...gentleness.  A soft voice, a kind voice...
John Wayne said, "Talk low, talk slow...


Of great importance is CHOICE OF WORDS...it is so easy to let frustration spew out before I rein in my tongue...oh my!  You can see the hurt in a loved one's face.  And I remember the rest of the John Wayne quote "and don't say too much."  Vasca, do not...do not say too much...some things...many things...are best left unsaid. 

For goodness sakes...NO PITY PARTIES...get over it before it ruins everything.  Life goes on and on!  It does no good for me to dwell on my list of 'what I have' ~ it isn't a contest to see who gets the most attention, etc.


Our repartee goes something along the lines of what one of our physician's told M when he first became his patient.  M has a long, long list of 'what's wrong with him'...and it's legit.  His new doctor became a tad antsy and finally he put both hands on his hips, looked at M and said, "You can only have three things wrong at a time".  And that?  Was that.


Now when M gets carried away I put my hands on my hips, look him in the eye and say, "Okay, Michael.  You can only have three things today...which three will you choose?"  That brings a laugh, a big grin and that's the end of that.  Laughter is good and healthy!  Much better than weeping 24/7.  Right?


Granted I have made too many of our days...well, disastrous!  But I've decided...just Friday as a matter of fact, it's in my hands to make things better...I can make or break it...it's true. 
I have a ton of grit...I mean a ton of it.  Each time M was away...I mean away...I had a major medical problem.  It was just me and the 4 precious little boys...I smile thinking what all we weathered and did it in style...all the way.  God held us in His arms and we made it.


God knows what I'm capable of ~ I know what I can do and I am determined to do my utmost to make each day the best day.  How do I know?  Because...after I determined this on Friday things changed.  I don't tell M everything...there are things he really doesn't need to know...he has enough on his mind w/balancing his physical being. 


When I changed...things changed.  We're like the Michael and Vasca pre-Amy and Parky!  The lights are on, there is a change in the atmosphere...I know, I know.  You're thinking it probably won't last...we'll have the blues...the bumps.  I have no expectations of our lives being sappy happy...but they are going to be as God wants them to be.  Caring, loving, tender, thoughtful, smiling and meaning it.


I love music...oh, I do love it.  I keep Pandora radio playing my favorite artists most all day; it totally relaxes me.  Well, last week Michael had been in the other room a long time and he said, "You know, I really like that music...it totally relaxes me."  I'd not considered it affecting him at all.  It's the little things that count, yes?  Indeed.  


I caught Michael watching me Saturday while I was in the kitchen and I'll tell you, the look on his face sent my heart into overdrive.  He told me things that were...way up there...way up there.  That's love, that's the love we all should have.  And the tears that are falling this minute are tears of joy, of love.  I so appreciate what I have, what God has given me, us and what He continues giving. 


Tell you what, I do not intend to disappoint Him...not in the least.  I'm giving this my all.
And now, I'm wondering...I fell in love and I feel like I'm falling in love all over again...
I wonder, is that possible?  My goodness.  Or I wonder, maybe I'm growing in love!

From my loving heart...to yours, Vasca