I promise to always be there for you...
We are a team, you and me...
I am on your side, to support you and
to build you up when you are feeling down.
I am here to encourage you and to cheer you,
to be your best friend and to love you.
You are my life and together we can make it through anything."
My Love by Karen Karlyle
I want to believe that I'm still me and Michael is still Michael...but often these days I more than wonder about that. I seem to be lost; M seems to be someone else. He doesn't understand me...I try to but too often fail to understand him as well. After all, almost 66 years of a mostly happy marriage...it's sailing wildly on stormy seas. I know it won't be getting better...Parkinson's Dementia isn't about improving...it's about shriveling away. And not in a kindly manner either.
There's much to be said about promises...promises, promises. I remember all the times I closed my eyes and whispered; "I promise...Cross my heart, hope to die...stick a needle in my eye". Oh, that's crazy. Who'd ever think about sticking a needle in my eye? Well, I hadn't thought I'd do that until I was approved for this research eye study and I get stuck plenty...smack dab in my left eye! That's okay though because just maybe this study will produce something that will stymie some forms of Macular Degeneration...let you know sixteen months from now.
Back to 'us'. Always there for you...that's comforting, isn't it? Someone that's always there for you, no matter what. Right there.
When I promised those 65 years ago to always be there for M...we truly were a team...a team that didn't exactly match. Truth is, we're opposites; we don't think alike and that tends to cause dissension on occasion. M is on focus while I am kaleidoscopic; at least I tried looking at more than one side. M is a slow processor...I process faster than a speeding bullet...well, here we are in a different place and time...say, out of our comfort zones...out of sync.
There's much to be said about promises...promises, promises. I remember all the times I closed my eyes and whispered; "I promise...Cross my heart, hope to die...stick a needle in my eye". Oh, that's crazy. Who'd ever think about sticking a needle in my eye? Well, I hadn't thought I'd do that until I was approved for this research eye study and I get stuck plenty...smack dab in my left eye! That's okay though because just maybe this study will produce something that will stymie some forms of Macular Degeneration...let you know sixteen months from now.
Back to 'us'. Always there for you...that's comforting, isn't it? Someone that's always there for you, no matter what. Right there.
When I promised those 65 years ago to always be there for M...we truly were a team...a team that didn't exactly match. Truth is, we're opposites; we don't think alike and that tends to cause dissension on occasion. M is on focus while I am kaleidoscopic; at least I tried looking at more than one side. M is a slow processor...I process faster than a speeding bullet...well, here we are in a different place and time...say, out of our comfort zones...out of sync.
The teamwork needs some lubricant these days; I've become rusty. People change w/the times...aging process. I don't know about you but my body isn't like a block of cheese or a vat of wine; those two become better with age...while I obviously have not.
What happened to our common thread that wove such a wonderful life? Why did it fade and begin to ravel? Why did such happiness and warmth slip away?
I promised to care for M always; yet here he is in a place he feels imprisoned in. It breaks my heart thinking about it. On the other hand he promised to care for me...yet here he is unable to do so. Does that break his heart? I have no clue because our communication is no longer normal...it has become our 'old normal'...replaced by our 'new normal' as in me trying to not upset him. I know he must be trying to transmit his wishes to me; however, at times, his wishes seem to make no sense...no sense to me, that is. Perfectly sensible to him...sometimes not.
Where is the M that I've known for so long...or...did I really know him?
Where is the V that M has known for so long...did he really know her?
My mind jumps up and down trying to keep his life, my life on an even keel. I've no control over his and oh my...at times I wonder what I'm doing in mine! Life changes, of course it does.
I discovered that I have not been working on this...that's why I'm rusty. I sort of 'gave up'; lost heart. My bad? Oh yes. I am capable of doing good things for my sweet one but I quit...that was/is selfish. I'm working at improving and I am not/will not give it up!
The bright side is when we surprise each other and end up on the same page...unison. Those times are worth so much...oh, so much. And there's a thread there that has become stronger with time ~ God is always with us...giving us strength for our weaknesses...giving us His love to carry us along when the way is full of pitfalls. God is with us as we look at each other and guess what? There's the love that we've had all the time. I simply closed the door on it.
M's there for me even when he's cloudy.
I am there for M even when tears cloud my thoughts...
And, most importantly...
God is always there for M and me...together. Always.
"Just being there for someone can sometimes
bring hope when all seems hopeless"
Dave G. Llewelyn
My heart goes out to you! After my M has chemo we have a few hard days, physically and emotionally. People ask when chemo will subside. The truth is there will always be chemo. Some people think that the tumor will shrink. That's another misnomer. The chemo keeps it from spreading, but there will always be a tumor. Sometimes, I give myself permission to cry. Today is one of those days.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers. Struggle seems to be a part of life. 🙏❤️🙏
Lots of love,
Linda M.
Linda, you have a tremendous influence in my life; the struggles you have been and continue experiencing are truly heartbreaking but miraculous at the same time. Thank you for propping me up as we go...you give me strength to pick it up several notches. Love You!
Delete