IN LIMBO ...

"When you have heartbreak,

what's important is that you don't go halfway.

Go all the way down.

Don't take pills that keep you in limbo.

Cry out all the feelings.

Then your own energy for life will put you up again.

You become stronger."

Marina Abromovic

I have sadness in me.

I have anger in me.

I have heartbreak in me.

This trio of emotions has been a large part of me for many months...my heart has felt torn apart repeatedly until I thought I could bear no more.  But, as God would have it, He picked me up, loved and comforted me so that I recovered.  Such a blessing...oh yes, such a great blessing. 

Time and time again I failed to acknowledge the terror my loved one, Michael, was experiencing.  How was I to know, when I had never experienced what he was.  

Bless his sweet heart.  He would be talking to me coherently and suddenly his thought process would short out.  He would look at me with those beautiful hazel eyes...full of such sadness...and say, "I'm so sorry, I just can't...I can't...I'm sorry".  It broke my heart to know how much he wanted the words to come out but...they became lost somewhere, unable to be formed.  That's sadness, embarrassment  and frustration...all wrapped in his sweet person

This magnificent gentleman, who had always been a leader...a proud, humble man...now cannot pull things out of his mind as he once could and that hurts him so.  I try thinking of myself in his predicament and how can I...there's no way I can truly experience what he is feeling.  

The mind is something inexplicable...I believe God is the only one who understands it.  There are some mental conditions that are treated w/meds, so many conditions.  My youngest brother was bi-polar and he told me, "Vasca, I am never in the middle; I am way over in the pits or way over on the other end of the spectrum...never what I'd call normal."  The meds were difficult to keep in sync.  

Dementia, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's has its' own form of Dementia.  Surely, hopefully there will be better treatments for these and other similar conditions.  Who knows?  In the meantime?  What?

                               

Michael and I daydreamed some...not a lot.  I don't know why...we felt we were 'spirit led'...I believe we were.  We wanted to visit Scotland where his family came from...so much interesting history there.  Instead, we went to Wisconsin to be 'warm bodies' for a mission congregation there.  By the time we returned from there, we were sixty-eight.  Still young enough to go to Scotland; instead we went to China.  Why didn't we fulfill our daydreams?  Because God had something else in mind; something He had trained us for most of our married lives...He put us together for a reason.  

Did we, do we regret not checking Scotland off our 'bucket list'?  No, I know neither of us ever felt robbed of that pleasure because our lives had undergone tremendous and improved changes.  It was all due to an awesome God and His plans.

When I was in my 50's-60's I had unhappiness in my life and I took pills to stay in limbo.  It took a long time and much effort from my family but with God's help, together we got through it.  I learned a difficult lesson from that experience.

Now, with M and I in this new way of life I have run the gamut...sadness, anger and heartbreak.  

I have not just cried, I have shrieked...screamed my sadness...I have had fits of anger (sadly angry momentarily at God) at myself and at sweet Michael...and I have had my heart broken in pieces again and again.

I think, I pray I have reached the point where I have re-charged my energies and am able to pick up the pieces of what I had shattered and move on as I should...as God would have me do.   

Michael needs my strength to shore up what remains of his.  Together we can make these days, this last quarter as he calls it...of value to others as well as ourselves.  Invaluable...lovely! 

No more sorrow...much joy!

No more anger...much love!

No more heartbreak...much encouragement!

From my heart...to yours, Vasca